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got an offer
Yesterday at 11:10 AM
from the university of winchester. two down, three to go.
i'm a sorry sight tonight -
covered in make-up, sitting in a prom dress on the edge of my bed writing poetry instead of essays.
if i were a riot grrl, this might be more acceptable.
i'm a sorry sight tonight -
covered in make-up, sitting in a prom dress on the edge of my bed writing poetry instead of essays.
if i were a riot grrl, this might be more acceptable.
i bought a dress
Yesterday at 5:31 AM
that's a start.
five thousand miles are starting to hurt.
five thousand miles are starting to hurt.
somewhere in the middle of america
11/30/2008 at 1:17 PM
after thinking about, i have deicded that i'm going to accept kent's offer no matter what uea say.
and i'm going to get off this island
and see america.
i'm going to see the world.
and i'm going to get off this island
and see america.
i'm going to see the world.
it is fucking
11/27/2008 at 8:23 PM
ridiculous.
i look so androgynous. i feel ill with it. i could probably get away with being a boy.
i have no breasts, small hips, i'm a reasonable height and i'm pretty thin. i wear a lot of shirts and ties and jeans.
my eyebrows are light which does nothing. i wear mascara but it make me look washed out.
i'm not a self-hater and i don't often think of myself in terrible terms.
if i'm prefectly honest, i think i could have a shot at being pretty if i just try and learn to be a girl.
i don't want to be a stereotypical lesbian. i don't want to look butch.
i want androgyny to be a style i can use as and when - not a style i have to adapt everything else to.
this marks the dawn of a new era.
yet again.
i look so androgynous. i feel ill with it. i could probably get away with being a boy.
i have no breasts, small hips, i'm a reasonable height and i'm pretty thin. i wear a lot of shirts and ties and jeans.
my eyebrows are light which does nothing. i wear mascara but it make me look washed out.
i'm not a self-hater and i don't often think of myself in terrible terms.
if i'm prefectly honest, i think i could have a shot at being pretty if i just try and learn to be a girl.
i don't want to be a stereotypical lesbian. i don't want to look butch.
i want androgyny to be a style i can use as and when - not a style i have to adapt everything else to.
this marks the dawn of a new era.
yet again.
reinvention
11/24/2008 at 3:24 PM
is soon to be my element.
'i am too loud' originally had a whole other stanza
but on reading back through my notes tonight it struck me that they are two totally separate poems.
'i am too loud' is about my excruciating desire to shut the fuck up sometimes
and learn silence all over.
and the other stanza was about general discontentment with this full country.
i'll try and pen that one out tomorrow.
i want to run away.
not in a teen angst, 'i hate my life' way.
i just want to see the world. learn what it is to be poor but independent. learn what it is to be a human.
i'm very silly sometimes.
miss p's right - i need to write down everything.
every single thought.
i need a dictaphone.
'i am too loud' originally had a whole other stanza
but on reading back through my notes tonight it struck me that they are two totally separate poems.
'i am too loud' is about my excruciating desire to shut the fuck up sometimes
and learn silence all over.
and the other stanza was about general discontentment with this full country.
i'll try and pen that one out tomorrow.
i want to run away.
not in a teen angst, 'i hate my life' way.
i just want to see the world. learn what it is to be poor but independent. learn what it is to be a human.
i'm very silly sometimes.
miss p's right - i need to write down everything.
every single thought.
i need a dictaphone.
today
11/22/2008 at 9:48 AM
i can almost feel poetry moving in me.
i think this is how pregnancy feels.
i have this spectacular love and attachment to words i haven't even seen.
i need to write so much today.
i'm almost certain i won't.
i think this is how pregnancy feels.
i have this spectacular love and attachment to words i haven't even seen.
i need to write so much today.
i'm almost certain i won't.
one issue down!
11/21/2008 at 7:59 AM
after deciding i'm tired of my hair glowing in the dark, i decided to pop into the hairdressers for advice.
i took my hat off and the lady in reception blinked while i explained the situation (black hair, bad bleach job, shouldn't have done it, help)
and said 'we get this a lot - you're the third this week. let me get fliss'.
so 'fliss' came out and sat me in the chair and started combing through my hair while i explained again and said
'wait - so you had black hair?'
'yes..'
'what did you put on it?'
'pre-lightener. a lot of it. bleach.'
'wow - you've done a good job to get from black'.
she asked if i wanted to stay bonde (i think that was a piss take, considering) and i said preferably
and she said it's possible and she can get it to look blonde instead of yellow.
so i booked my appointment.
monday morning.
i have never mourned the state of my hair in my life
and i've never given in like this before!
let's hope she know what she's doing!
i took my hat off and the lady in reception blinked while i explained the situation (black hair, bad bleach job, shouldn't have done it, help)
and said 'we get this a lot - you're the third this week. let me get fliss'.
so 'fliss' came out and sat me in the chair and started combing through my hair while i explained again and said
'wait - so you had black hair?'
'yes..'
'what did you put on it?'
'pre-lightener. a lot of it. bleach.'
'wow - you've done a good job to get from black'.
she asked if i wanted to stay bonde (i think that was a piss take, considering) and i said preferably
and she said it's possible and she can get it to look blonde instead of yellow.
so i booked my appointment.
monday morning.
i have never mourned the state of my hair in my life
and i've never given in like this before!
let's hope she know what she's doing!
A 'Thank You' Note - Wislawa Szymborska
11/20/2008 at 3:44 AM
(Translated from the Polish by Joanna Maria Trzeciak)
There is much I owe
to those I do not love.
The relief in accepting
they are closer to another.
Joy that I am not
the wolf to their sheep.
My peace be with them
for with them I am free,
and this, love can neither give,
nor know how to take.
I don't wait for them
from window to door.
Almost as patient
as a sun dial,
I understand
what love does not understand.
I forgive
what love would never have forgiven.
Between rendezvous and letter
no eternity passes,
only a few days or weeks.
My trips with them always turn out well.
Concerts are heard.
Cathedrals are toured.
Landscapes are distinct.
And when seven rivers and mountains
come between us,
they are rivers and mountains
well known from any map.
It is thanks to them
that I live in three dimensions,
in a non-lyrical and non-rhetorical space,
with a shifting, thus real, horizon.
They don't even know
how much they carry in their empty hands.
"I don't owe them anything",
love would have said
on this open topic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i have finally sent off my ucas application so now it's pretty much a waiting game. this year is going to be full. i can feel it already. i want to write so badly this afternoon. i shall stay awake tonight and discover words i didn't even know existed. and wake up in the morning and have forgotten they do all over again. there's something intoxicating about rediscovery. miss willoughby called me a feminist. i don't think i am.
There is much I owe
to those I do not love.
The relief in accepting
they are closer to another.
Joy that I am not
the wolf to their sheep.
My peace be with them
for with them I am free,
and this, love can neither give,
nor know how to take.
I don't wait for them
from window to door.
Almost as patient
as a sun dial,
I understand
what love does not understand.
I forgive
what love would never have forgiven.
Between rendezvous and letter
no eternity passes,
only a few days or weeks.
My trips with them always turn out well.
Concerts are heard.
Cathedrals are toured.
Landscapes are distinct.
And when seven rivers and mountains
come between us,
they are rivers and mountains
well known from any map.
It is thanks to them
that I live in three dimensions,
in a non-lyrical and non-rhetorical space,
with a shifting, thus real, horizon.
They don't even know
how much they carry in their empty hands.
"I don't owe them anything",
love would have said
on this open topic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i have finally sent off my ucas application so now it's pretty much a waiting game. this year is going to be full. i can feel it already. i want to write so badly this afternoon. i shall stay awake tonight and discover words i didn't even know existed. and wake up in the morning and have forgotten they do all over again. there's something intoxicating about rediscovery. miss willoughby called me a feminist. i don't think i am.
barbie.
11/18/2008 at 5:38 PM
i'm naturally blonde. i've been red (on and off) for three years. black, brown, blue, pink and purple in between. keira hinted at me going blonde. i said okay. so i have spikey toxic yellow hair. if it doesn't fall out, i'll take it to white this weekend. well i couldn't do a job properly now.~
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