Moving quickly, its darkness fluttering across these apartment walls. Shadows loom ahead, my thoughts become what you want from me, not what I call myself. Bruised, cracked, the train wheels keep turning inside my mind. Am I not the girl you call your own? Pitiful girl. You ask for love with your palms raised towards the heavens; all you shall get is the debt that was predestined from when you were in your mother's womb.

Long, acheing days where the emptiness is enough to make me go insane. Too much time, too many seconds, minutes, too many hours to ponder my mistakes. Or why this happens to me, when I get my foot in the door and attempt to cheer my spirit, my aura is blackened in indecision. Perhaps it's my fault for wishing for love. Perhaps in the eve of my absence it will give you time to think, like all the times that I was left with this useless energy.

Remember to breathe when you get angry; I have reminded myself of this on many occasions when my blood began to boil just from a few words that you said. Seeing red, seeing red again. Must remember to breathe, to calm myself so I don't lash out. So I don't hurt you, so I don't have to see the pain that crosses your face just so I can say that I have seen it, that I have felt it. This isn't me, this is not who I used to be. Remember to breathe, this space is so cramped anymore that it only confines me.

Moving quickly, its darkness fluttering across these apartment walls. If you look closely and gaze past its outer shell, you might see someone like you, inside someone acting foolishly like me. I cannot apologize for my train of thought nor can I honestly tell you that I don't always mean what I say when I say it. But if you can look past my slurred speeches, adore me when I am not quite myself and are able to look beyond all that I sought to protect you from, then these walls will crumble beneath your touch. The question is, do you dare?

The darkness of the night was upon us
I clasped your hand
determined never to let it go
the moon shone bright above our heads
shielding us from paths unknown.
I followed you with no questions asked
left behind my morals, my sanity
simply for this one incredible moment.
Your eyes shone like diamonds
and when I turned to face you
I was swept under like a tidal wave.
There was no turning back, was there?
After hiding it for all these months
the secret that I had kept so safe
was now being told upon your soft lips.
It was too late for regrets
too late to pull out of your embrace
I was a victim once again to your spell
and for once, my heart didn’t care.

When the morning sun beamed through the window
I looked in awe at you sleeping soundly next to me
Could it be that this actually happened to me?
Could it be that we’d have another chance?
Silently I scolded myself for thinking ahead
that a person like you never does.
My heart sat there in quiet anticipation
as you slowly opened up your eyes
but in them, I didn’t find what I was looking for.
They were hard and your tone was cold
and I bit my lip to keep from crying out
On the drive home we both were silent
but I knew what you were thinking
you didn’t even have to say it
but I knew.

You kept trying to fill in the gaps
trying to console me without saying the words
you rambled on and on about our friendship
about how great it was to have someone like me.
My hands clutched my seatbelt tighter
as I looked out the window, staring into space
I knew if I was to open my mouth, I’d lose it
and I didn’t want you to know that I was weak.
When we reached my house, I was numb
too numb to tell you how I felt.
Your arms reached around me for a brotherly hug
and hot tears stung my eyes.
Last night it wasn’t like this.
last night you looked at me like I was your everything.
And deep inside me, I knew that I was used
even if all we did was share a few kisses
even if all we did was touch.
It kills me to know thats all we’ll ever have
this one last final drive to my home.

Caught like a deer in the headlights,
my body froze, eyes wide in innocence
as you step towards me.

I hate you, I think to myself,
I hate you for being so beautiful.

You cup my chin in your hands,
knowing well aware why I’m here
but not whispering the words aloud.

Button after button is undone,
flesh to flesh, we’re palm to palm.

A simple act of intimacy
never seems to bring us together,
we keep drifting farther apart.

My clothes are draped across your floor,
just like my heart, just like my soul.

While turning on the T.V.,
you make no move to comfort me
as I head to your front door.

No goodbye gorgous, no promises,
that is how smoothly you operate.

I am just another one night stand,
just another warm body to get inside of
while you get all the pleasure you need.

Get some self respect, I scream inside my head,
get it together, don’t let him drag you down.

It’s like my heart is so blind with love
that I force out how you really feel,
but you don’t care one way or another.

And I hate you, I think to myself,
I hate you for never being able to utter that word;

NO.

I cannot remember when it all ended. I cannot remember how it all began. There was two, then only one. It’s too painful yet to understand. Hearts aren’t safe from the wicked, better lock yours up tight. They’ll steal your soul while you’re sleeping, like they did to me that night. I often wonder if I was afraid. I sometimes wonder if you ever feel ashamed. Ashamed of betraying those you love, what purpose could you gain?

Speak softly like the wind. My ears are burning from your hate. I thought that me reaching out to you would be a good thing, now I see that it was a mistake. I’m sorry for being weak. For having needs that they call me a whore for. Why was I the one cast out from being wanted? It was you who had to ante up the score.

I get it now, I do. Me = zero, you can have it all. I don’t want it anymore if it means that you win. My life isn’t part of your show’s curtain call. Bite your tongue little girl. This is grown up stuff, they say. Tell me where the adults are when satan’s children come to play. I miss who you used to be. Smart, beautiful and kind. Now as I see you wreck havoc upon those who love you I wish I could hit pause. stop. rewind.

Time ticking slowly past this jaded eye,
your love was like a landslide calling to me
[but you never knew it, I never told you]
Regrets now lay on the tip of my tongue
as I begin to brush this long blonde hair
[with needles sharp as daggers I slayed you]

The world is empty, it’s so dark and dismal
but I am the one who is now in control
[and you say so much for our ever after]
Because love only exists in fairytales, does it not?
where is my knight in shining armour now?
[he’s hiding away from everything he’s ever known]

Your cowardice only drove me to the edge,
my poisoned kisses only made you yearn for more
[if only you could have told me no this time]
But you were never able to resist these bedroom eyes,
they only lifted you up and met yours in the darkness
[and in the morning swallowed you whole.]

Bedtime stories and fluffy comforters
the essence of childhood had dawned,
my youth hid my blissful ignorance
for I was always mommy’s little girl.

Barbie dolls and sing-a-longs
coloring books swept with hearts,
we could solve any puzzle together
because we always worked as a team.

My little pony and piggyback rides,
cassette tapes filled with lullabies
and I would fall asleep in your lap
dreaming all my dreams away.

Skinned knees and bruised hearts,
you can’t put a band-aid on this anymore
mother you can’t fix this mistake,
you can’t undo what has already been done.

Betrayal of the worst kind and wet tears
that is all I have come to know lately,
because I am not your little girl anymore
and you are but a stranger in my home.

Pretty baby, dressed in white
standing beneath the clear blue sky
her beauty captivates all who know her
but now she’s just a passerby.

Her tears are precious diamonds
that splatter and replenish the ground
she knows no one will ever see them
because of the secret place she found.

She was taught to be the strong one
when it came to life, one thing was sure
they told her it was do or die
and she couldn’t hold on anymore.

Pretty baby, dressed in white
standing beneath the clear blue sky
her beauty captivated around her,
now she’s just an angel soaring high.

I never planned on this
tie the noose tighter around my neck
can you hear the radio playing?
listen-
is it all in your head?
For you don’t know me
or the pain I hold inside
you want me to smile?
then fine
throw the flowers
on this shallow grave
cue to the crying
let’s get this over with.

if I touched you in the moonlight, would you fade away? Would I want you to stay? My hands are trembling underneath the weight of the world. But my heart is pure, I swear to you. Can you feel it beating? it’s singing a song that only you can hear.

You’re so beautiful I want to cry. I long to crawl up in your arms and die. I’d give my all to the person I wish you were, I’ll shy away from the man I know you are. You scare me with your intensity. Can you tell my weakness? I still owe you my life.

Broken again inside, love is so fragile anymore. You wanted a lover, what you got was a whore. I can be pretty like them, I can wear the right clothes and smell like sweet perfume. Would that make you love me then? if you loved me it would mean everything.

But I’m just a simple girl with stupid wishes. You don’t care about my feelings or candlelight kisses. When I turn away from you, you wrap me up so tight. I don’t want to move, I just want to stay buried until the end of time. Can I spend the night for old times sake? let’s get subdued in our pasts and drink our futures away.