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coping mechanisms

6/26/2007 at 12:41 PM

you toss & turn at night.
tempted to pop that sleeping pill.
from the start you know it wasn't right,
so how come you love him still?
sleep the pain away.
you're no longer a little girl,
so dry that falling tear.
yeah, he made your world spin & whirl,
just ease the pain with an ice-cold beer.
drink the pain away.
there's really no point,
why you just can't seem to laugh.
here's a rolled joint,
go ahead... take a puff.
puff the pain away.
flying high. intoxicated. almost wasted.
smoking the last stick in the pack.
how can it end when it hasn't started?
dance. drift. don't give a fuck.
smoke the pain away.
but at the end of the day,
you still feel so bad.
get on your knees & pray,
go ahead... talk to God.
pray the pain away.

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summer'05

6/26/2007 at 12:41 PM

i taught.
i learned.
i laughed out loud
i cried even louder.
i began to laugh again.
i stayed up all night...
'til the morning after...
drinking
i got high.
i got wasted.
i danced like nobody's watching.
i preferred comfort over fashion.
i loved.
i lied.
i learned to let go.
i let God.
i healed.
i grew up.
i made decisions.
right or wrong.
no regrets.
always....
headstrong.

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i n s o m n i a c

6/26/2007 at 12:40 PM

5:30 a. m.
tossing.
turning.
alcohol induced.
counting sheeps.
intoxicated.
can't sleep.
insomnia kicking in.
wasted.
light up a cig.
smoke
puff...
puff...
*poof*
sedated...
by you

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Missin' Melancholy

6/26/2007 at 12:40 PM

Looking back three months before, I never thought I could actually laugh at how I was feeling then and why I was feeling that way... Everything seems to be in its proper place now... I haven't had a bullshit moment in months and who'd have thought it would be something I'd terribly miss...

Gone are the nights when I'd cry myself to sleep...

Gone are the times when I'd sing "Every Now & Then" (yup, by EWF!!! =p) at the top of my lungs...

Gone are the moments I'd struggle with my mind just to et the bullshit off it but I never won... even once

Gone are the events of getting wasted just so I can forget about all the bullshit for a while but just end up feeling the pain twice as much... screw heightened emotions!!!

Gone.

And I miss it.

Today I still get sleepless nights but I never have to cry myself to sleep ( at least for now)...

Today I still sing at the top of my lungs but only my own rendition of happy songs...

Today I still struggle with my mind but it's to keep all the happy thoughts away... too much happiness can make me sick

Today, I still get wasted but it just heightens the ecstatic feeling that I've been having...

Today.

I hate it.

I wanna be happy, that I'm sure of but 3 months of nothing to feel but joy makes me dull... I'm a sucker for drama... I don't have anything going on in my life now (well, except that I think that my life couldn't get any better than this...) In time, I'll get problems and have to deal with all the bullshit this bitch of a life throws at me and I will breakdown... sulk into my own sentiments... hate being sad... but for now, I crave for melancholy... happiness is definitely over-rated!!! =)

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Where do I go from here?

6/26/2007 at 12:39 PM

As I write this, I could almost hear my mom's voice inside my head, "Nah Lime, indi naman da mag tuon ha! Be responsible man ay!"... A few days after graduation, the elation has taken a nosedive 10,000 feet below sea level and i'm left with the thought of where do i actually go from here? i'm through with nursing but i'm not really sure if i want to be a nurse... funny, how i was able to manage going through all the fuss nursing life has to offer when my heart was definitely somewhere else, probably where it will always belong... the arts!!! =) i felt like i was swimming in an ocean full of different fishes and i was the only one of my kind... i'm just glad, i'm done with the course but siyempre, there's still the board exams and God knows what exams my mom would want me to take...
sometimes, i feel like i couldn't handle all the pressure anymore but after rationalizing things, i console myself with the fact that this is all i have to think about because things are provided for me and in the long run, i am still luckier than a lot of people... so, I continue with this fight... hoping that somewhere along the way, i find the purpose of why am i doing all of these things... i achieve a whole lot but i do not have a goal... and no matter how much i have achieved, i remain empty... haaayyy... God, numb this emptiness... it hurts a whole lot than actually having something to feel hurt about... gets mo? mas mayo pa kung may rason nga masakitan ko kaysa ga achieve ko mga bagay pero wala ko kabalo para na sila sa ano and it pains me more to search for that purpose... so much for feeling like a headless chicken huh?
don't get me wrong, i've learned a lot of things in nursing no matter how oven-like our classrooms were... i was fascinated about how a disease works its way inside a human body and how surgeons are an extension of God's hands... i've seen the beauty of how everything is put back into place after a surgery... i stand in awe of how God works within the profession... and I wouldn't have understood that if I didn't drag myself all the way to enroll in Riverside College 3 years ago... I finally felt what it was like to empathize... I tried to place myself in the shoes of my patients and it was similar with getting into my character whenever i was part of a stage play or a short film and it felt good to actually connect with the people i was caring for, primarily because i tried to understand where they were coming from... It felt so good when patients or their significant others' would appreciate what i've done, that's when all the hardwork really pays off... not even the highest grades (that would be a plus, of course) can match the fulfillment of getting a smile or a word of appreciation from a patient...
i know that i will eventually see what my mom has been driving at ever since the first time she wanted me to take up nursing... i am sure that i will thank her for pressuring me through all this... i know someday, being a nurse will be rewarding... maybe someday, i'd be as fulfilled as how i should be but for now, emptiness is all i know... so won't you please tell me, where do i go from here?

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b_o_r_d_e_r_l_i_n_e

6/26/2007 at 12:38 PM

"To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders..."
- Taoist Ideal

I say: Be still my mind. I don't need the whole universe to surrender, just the whole world bowing at my feel would be more than enough... hehehe!!! =)

There's a thine line between sanity and insanity: Coping mechanisms... =) One jump and you go over board...

Today, I thought I made a stupid impression on at least 250 people, only 50 or so of which, I knew personally. The reviewer was discussing about personality disorders and I have always been aware of which disorders I can equate my behavior to. She asked if who among us ever experienced self-mutilation or cutting one’s wrists and the like. “Me”, I thought but I was caught off guard when all these people were pointing on me. Before I knew it I was on the hot seat, the teacher asking me stuff and I had to do something. If I denied, then I’d be accused of being untrue to myself. Acting like my normal self, I admitted that sad but true fact and explained a bit. I was 14… idealistic and couldn’t wait to grow up but as the realities of life unfolded before my eyes, I realized that I wasn’t ready for it. There was so much pain inside that I’d rather feel the pain physically, I wasn’t the type who would drag others intentionally into my misery so I tried to find an escape. And I found that “breath of fresh air” in cutting my wrists and feeling okay afterwards because I finally had an outlet to vent out all the bullshit that was building up inside of me. The intention was not to kill myself (God, I am such a LIFEr), it was rather to just divert all the pent up emotions into more concrete objects, which was a cut in my arm. I didn’t show it to anybody on purpose but I won’t deny the fact that I actually indulged in all the attention I was getting from family members and friends who gave a damn about me. Ever since high school, I have always been fascinated of how vast and powerful the human mind is. I have always believed that we cannot control our emotions toward a certain stimulus but we can definitely control how we act towards that emotion or feeling. And that made me read on what I might have been going through and I understood. I learned and got over that stage all by myself. I do not deny my past, but please for all those people I shared it to, please give me the liberty to share it with others. I opened up that fact because I trusted you, not wanting you to let the whole world know. I thought I felt so bad because I was somehow humiliated but after the long “thinking-marathon” walk home, I realized that I was actually hurt because I felt betrayed by people I trusted. It’s okay, life goes on. I won’t sulk into these emotions just to add more excess baggage. I try to look at the brighter side of things and it is never simple. It’s easier to just mope and fall into depression but I have had numerous battles like this and I saw myself through each time. I love my friends dearly, don’t get me wrong, exactly why I am putting it behind us and just moving on. But far beyond all my social circle, I am confident in that long after the music has faded and all the booze consumed… when everyone has gone some place else, I will always have myself. But I am forgiving and I am letting go. I trust that God will heal this hurt caused by mouths that just couldn’t shut up. I am boisterous, I know that but I don’t put people in situations where they are embarrassed. I am comfy in my own skin, contented with the things happening in my life, welcoming success and failures the exact same way. I am not rationalizing or trying to intellectualize or using whatever defense mechanism, I just wanna be heard. No more, No less. Everyone is not oblige to like me the same way that I am not required to accept everyone. I am empowered, I do not need anyone boosting up my ego because I can affirm myself. I am proud to be me and I couldn’t thank God for giving me the life that I have. It’s not perfect, far from whatever is ideal but I am contented and happy to be living it to the fullest!!! =)

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For the Board Exam and Beyond... Kampai!!! =)

6/26/2007 at 12:35 PM

"To a still mind, the universe surrenders"

-Taoist Ideal


anx·i·e·ty (ăng-zī'ĭ-tē) pronunciation
n., pl. -ties.


1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
2. Psychiatry. A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
3. Eager, often agitated desire: my anxiety to make a good impression.

Referring to definition number 2, at least the cause of our anxiety is real, not merely the product of an unstoppable imagination but to make ourselves feel better as a form of nothing else but a defense mechanism called rationalization and intellectualization all rolled into one, let me quote a well-known philosopher. According to Plato, "Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety."... So there, let not the upcoming NLE be the cause of sleepless nights and brainstorming days... because this world is yet to bow at our feet! =p haaayyy, how can i fore go all the tension building up inside? writing in my case makes me let go... but why isn't it gone? haha!!! =) woozah... =) hehe!!! =) keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes high ah...


"My head is bloody but unbowed...I am the master of my fate:I am the captain of my soul.
--William Ernest Henley. Invictus.


My Prayer:

I pray for a mind that is panic free on exam day.
I pray for a retentive memory (and retrievable too! =p)
I pray for honesty. That no controversy might arise.
I pray, Lord that I might pass the upcoming board exams, only if it's your will,

but above all I pray Lord that I will be able to welcome success and failures just the same.
I pray for all those people who are about to take the NLE, the road to where we are now hasn't been easy but we're here and we're taking this fight all the way.
With you, Lord nothing is impossible.
All the joys and the pains, we lift up to you. All for your greater glory.

Amen.


Woohoo, NLE here we come ah!!! =)

Serenity Prayer



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.



Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.



~ Reinhold Niebuhr

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