9.05.08-1
9/5/2008 at 5:00 AM
The leaves are dying and the nights are getting cooler.
Autumns nearing and everything's turning with the change of the season.
Everything.
Thing's are really looking up, just like Bryce said they would.
I feel myself smiling more often, I feel the glass refilling.
I'm really starting to believe that life is beautiful.
Sweet dreams to anyone that dares to let their worries leave them.
For it is those that can leave their troubles behind that shall dream the sweetest.
8.27.08-1
8/27/2008 at 7:43 PM
Why...Why did I buy menthol cigarettes.
It was one thing to get Camel filters, but menthols.
Funny how the buy 1 get 1 free deals make you purchase cigarettes you wouldn't normally choose.
First you're stoked, two packs for the price of one, fukk yeah, anybody want a smoke? You can hand 'em out all day and not give a damn.
But if you don't hand them out like crazy and you actually smoke that first pack of unfamiliar (and in this case minty) cigarettes,
by the time you get to the second pack (the FREE pack, the one that enticed you to buy all these goddamn cigarettes in the first place) you want nothing to do with these bullshit lousy cigarettes.
You want your normal pack. The kind you usually smoke. The kind you enjoy smoking. Not fukking minty motherfukking menthols.
At least I've got a damn good cup of coffee.
I'll be back.
8.19.08-2
8/19/2008 at 8:49 PM
Everyone falls.
Everyone fails
Trials and tribulations are a part of life and it's okay to be scared of not knowing whats going to happen.
I don't want to know what's going to happen.
I just want it to fukking happen already.
I think you should spend the night tonight.
I'm not saying this because I'm drunk and I need you to drive me home.
I just miss the way I dream when I'm not sleeping alone.
8.19.08-1
8/19/2008 at 7:38 PM
Where to begin...
I've been staying at my mums for the past week and a half.
I left my apartment a disaster and I never want to go back.
I miss Kiefer so much.
I don't think I've ever missed anyone as much as I miss him.
It hurts.
I feel weak. I feel sick.
My mum took my brothers and I camping in Carmel, CA last weekend.
I had a good time, a great time, and then I cried the whole way home.
I realized I'm running from myself.
Hiding and constantly trying to escape what's really going on in my mind.
My thoughts are more than bad, they're disturbing and clinically insane.
When I was crying I couldn't stop thinking about how much I utterly hate being alive.
I started to wish I could die right then.
Right there in the passenger seat next to my mom driving me and my little brothers home from a nice vacation.
I wished my heart would stop.
And I wished my dead body would instantly disappear so no one would have to see it.
I was so upset.
I was diagnosed bipolar last winter shortly after seeing a counselor to help me deal with losing a baby.
I was devastated.
They said I needed to be medicated immediately.
I was all for it.
When I wasn't able to make it to my next appointment, they never called me again.
I couldn't believe it.
My psychiatric counselor, the person I told everything to, couldn't call to check up on me when I had told her a week before that I really just wanted to die more than anything.
That I was sick of living.
That I hated life.
That I didn't think about committing suicide once a month, or once a week, or once a day. I thought about it constantly.
I feel like I shouldn't continue this.
I should really go create something beautiful and stop thinking about these things.
...I'm going out for a smoke.
Maybe I'll write something happy when I get back.
8/8/2008 at 1:03 AM
Ha. It's been over a week since my last post. I knew I couldn't keep up with this. Just like I know I wouldn't be writing right now if i didn't have a cigarette in my right hand. Reality Bites is playing in the background and after it's over I think I'll put in Girl Interrupted. I guess you could say I'm feelin' a strong connection with Winona today.
I need a job. My cigarettes are expensive and I'm all out of whiskey. Not to mention, food.
I've been really happy about vitamins lately. I'm taking high dosages of St. John's Wort, Blue Green Algae, and enough B12 for the both of us. I'd like to get my hands on some 5-HTP, hopefully I remember when I make it back to the store.
The cool thing about St. John's Wort is it aids in lucid dreaming. Everyone should experience lucid dreaming.
Oh man.
Last night I had three intensely vivid dreams.
Way crazy. I could fill a book.
Ughhh.
I'm bored, and I feel boring. It's hot and I feel sticky. I don't know what to with myself and I sound pathetic.
I need to get out.
I'm always out.
And for the brief moments that I'm in I go insane.
Where do I go from here.
7.30.08-1
7/30/2008 at 10:16 AM
Cheers to late night drunken writing, reading, shit talking and the like.
It's about 4:50 in the am and i've just been dropped off at home.
I've been out celebrating one of my good friends 19th birthday.
They held a beer pong tournament, played a drunken game of dodgeball and I sipped on coca cola and 151 until I ran out of smokes and realized I'd been talking non stop for nearly three hours.
This all took place in the multimedia room of a church.
Sweet right?
Partying down in fuckin Jesus' crib.
My terrific friend who dropped me and brother off ended up actually leaving his car parked in my driveway because my brother who suffers from drunken multiple personality disorder wouldn't wake the fuck up to walk in the house.
Luckily, my friend only lives about 30 second away (driving).
I'm in such a damn good mood tonight. I had so many great conversations about really wonderful things, and learned a hell of a lot from every person I talked to.
My friends are some really spectacular minds.
I tried to eat some avocado 10 minutes ago and it was such a joke, I kept dropping it on the floor of the kitchen, total absurdity.
Man am I glad summers over half way through, I am so sick of this heat.
I'm feeling a sudden streak of hope about some things.
More on those things at a much more sober time.
Peace, Love and Health to everyone, even the Catholics, Nazi's and the U.S. Government.
You gotta start somewhere.
Be the change.
...I never smoke pot.
7.29.08-2
7/29/2008 at 7:48 PM
Here's to more false hope of a future. I come off as rude and vulgar and the reason for this is that the human race can't handle honesty.
1. They aren't used to it. As soon as we were old enough to learn, once our little sponge brains were ready to absorb all the lies they were going to feed us. They began fattening us up like goddamn Thanksgiving turkeys. Robot teachers, textbook zombies, everything you touch is infused with mind control.
How many times can they rewrite history...
Oh but let me guess, you already knew all this.
Moving on.
2. Mankind is happy being lied to. They like being focused on getting that new car, that big house in the suburbs, staying up to date with the latest fashion trends. They fuckin love it. They think these things are priority, and they think if they don't get these things, there is something wrong with them. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. So say you live on the side of a mountain in a shack built in the '70's with a view overlooking a river and a garden that you can depend on to keep you fed, but if you don't own a new three bedroom house, or a car made after 1999, you're not doing so good? When the government unleashes and shit hits the fucking fan, who's making it out alive? The guy with the running water and growing food supply in the mountains or the fuckass with the Mercedes and home in the suburbs?
They've got you so damn focused on all this bullshit that you don't even see the big picture. You don't have a fucking clue what's going on.
The American Dream, keeping America blind.
There is a fire overwhelming the community I live in, this is a real disaster like hurricane Katrina.
And just like Katrina, I'm sure there's a fucking plan behind it.
No government will EVER give you freedom.
Sorry to rant, I'm in a bad mood. Like I said, my community is in a crisis. People are losing their homes. Red Cross isn't stepping up like they should. Something horrible is going on.
I'm more than aware that this probably didn't make sense to you. And I want you to know that I sincerely apologize if I offended you, your family, or your fucked up religion.
7.29.08-1
7/29/2008 at 5:15 AM
It's Monday, it only makes sense that I've decided to make this today, that I felt the strong urge to start something new. I needed a clean slate, an empty page, somewhere to unload my thoughts and feelings, and if you're lucky, maybe I'll unleash my dreams. Ha, as if my dreams are greater and more significant than anyone else's. I talk so much shit, and mostly about nothin. In fact, I don't know why I'm filling you with hope for a bittersweet future of writing from me. Trust me, it wont happen. Seriously, stop here, look no further, you ARE wasting your time. Wasting precious minutes of your fabulous life indulging in my sick and twisted one. Ugh, I don't know why you do it to yourself, you must be crazy. Maybe even insane, no, you'd have to be. To put yourself through this bull shit, fuck dude, you're probably peaking on some ridiculous cocktail drug that you can't even put a name on. Somethin real weird that makes you think this sort of writing is okay, yeah, that's it, tokin the methamphetabong. Yeeeah, baby. It all makes sense now. Now that I've figured you out, ya sick fuck, I can continue with my thoughts. Oh yeah, before I forget, I have big news. The reason behind my insomnia and the rest of the crazy shit that's been going on is...PAS. More on that later.
