Where the water flows to...
1/7/2009 at 5:59 PM
my actions are my actions..and never knowing where it's going to lead is a risk or maybe even a will I'm willing to take all on my own...
I don't think the people I've tried explaining to about my new found mushroom ornament extravaganza think it's interesting..
andit hurts in some way..yet..this is me..it might be gleeful to me that one of the most profound authors I've considered to be in my top 10 of greatist thinkers has befriended me in so many levels and now wants to do business with me..the night I got off the phone with him and thought over about what he said about the extradonary hookups(authors, scientists, professors in portland, ect.) he can introduce me to.. overwelmed me with a happiness I couldn't even explain to Jesse without jumping around the apartment singing oh happy days and other corny songs my deluted A.D.D. mind was springing up with at that moment.I sat down outside to give myself a breather and selfpat on the back..reinacting the conversation in my head with Jan Irvin (mainly about friends of his (anthropologists) who did some cool stuff visiting tribes and tripping out with the shamans.:)) how out of collecting antique mushroom ornaments most of his life..how original mine were..original? I thought someone would have done this..at least by now.. a little about the mushroom ornaments and shipping details..
sighs*
something I haven't seen all winter fluttered around my head for a bit and sat on my lap while I gently glided my fingers over it's soft wings and then up it went through the roof entrance..
a moth..
a beautiful..delicate moth...my strangist angelic figure that surprises me with visits in very odd and unpredictable moments..times.
the mark of a changing point..of a wonderful change..
I'm proud of myself..that's what matters..because it's rare...very rare in fact..
it has proven to me I'm not some dumbwitted 21 yr old quiet and abnormal chicklet because I haven't gone to college yet..or succeeded in making my talent a hellish goal to ruin my desires and dreams...that I'm not wasting my time teaching myself things I don't have to pay for to do so..
in fact..I think I appreciate my brain even more..my building knowledge is a train reaction to my inspiration of painting and art..it's helping each other out..not replacing one another..
..
I'm happy..
truely happy right now..
and if my friends don't understand why..for this?
it's ok..because I'm cruising by on cloud nine.
desirably heart ridden
12/26/2008 at 4:52 PM
12/17/2008 at 8:53 PM
Jan wants to use my artwork and my winterfest tree with mushroom ornaments in his live lecture somewhere in Cali. Then sent me another email with his # asking about making some for his website to sell with me getting a huge percentage of the deal...my stomache clinched when I read this..why?
I guess I could so this..send them in a box and head them his way..wonder if he knows they're made out of crap..foam and such...
Why do I have to be so shy..
I will call him..once I figure out a plan for this...
if I keep letting these extra cash making deals slip out of my hands..
who knows..
nervous..
*picking up the phone*
toodles.
geometry
12/7/2008 at 1:09 AM
so..well I've been away for awhile..
overloading my brain with useful knowledge..
I think i found the fundmental of an artist's long journeyed acheivement..
a perfection with semItry and being able to tap into the viewers conscious using these exact methods...
with symboligy..metaphors..but not only this..but is the way something is placed..in front of the viewers eyes..
maybe perception..
I will get into this more once I learn how to word it all..
my battery is going low..
hmm..
goodnighty
Last Flowers
11/17/2008 at 3:50 PM
"..
and if I'm goning to talk..I just want to talk..
please don't interupt..
just sit back and listen
I can face the evening straight.,.
you can offer me escape..
houses move and houses speak..
if you take me there you'll get relief.."
I dreamed of city roads..
with city people..walking down the roads..sitting beside the roads..
I floated and flipped..bounced and watched..
I ran into an old enemy of highschool years..love/hate relationship..Kyle was his name..
he hugged me and told me to congradulate him..he graduated from college..and he kept on walking with the groups with people..
then a space lacked in the dream..there was this guy..a face in many dreams had familiarities..but no strikeness to recall in reality..
it was cold..no sun..many skinny trees..and a garden of dead growth..he wass unbearably sad..
psychologically sick with sadness..I sensed..
in my dreamstate..my dream mind..
a flash of a image of red blooming roses appeare..and I grabbed his hand and ran with his black trenchcoat like a cape whisping behind us..
I brought him to where I could have sworn these roses were..but they were dead..dried up..bu to my amazement thier were over turned mascara mushrooms with morning dew in them..I was overwelmed with glee..cradled one inmy hand and handed it to the sad man..
I said " it's the holy grail ," and gently pressed the cup onto his lips..color spurted out from him..into the garden and color was everywhere!
he hugged me..kissed me..like a child recieving the most happiest gift of his life..and from a distance I heard Jesse calling my name toward the skinny wooded trees..
my eyes opened and Jesse had a cup of coffee waiting for me in his hands with a happy "Goodmorning."
I started to cry.
catorgory? bloody f*#ck that!
11/14/2008 at 3:45 AM
I am drunk...I am also alert..ish...my dog Charlie is at the vet for the night..lots of swaying..blahe..so I resorted to wine! go figure..now I have important thoughts to share..drunk..somewhat in dispair mixed with feelings unknown..other than my grandmother's death..this is the first and different..and perfect time to speak what needs to be said..for now
as artists...we are symbolizers...we show and proove what humanity has forgotten what we derived from..
we express what the normality of people think to bellive as 'passive'....
to ACTUAL verbal language..
without being verbal..with out the carotid gland being 2 tubes from one combining to make verbal language...
what happens when you're nonverbal? when you're in a room full of nonverbal human living selfthought thinking individuals?
the great feeling...the great moment of awkwardnness!! my awkwardness!!
uh hum..
excuse me..
I'm only a think out of abox delusional absorbed alert being..
simply excuse me while I run outside..
now..
in glee.
I love you Charlie..it's pass midnight..if they haven't called by now...you're sleeping in the mini-cold-chamber of hospitalization..or carefulness..dreaming of running..my big feet only in sight..with rushing grasses...
I am still here..
11/13/2008 at 9:59 PM
this is what made me the woman I am today..
I wrote this my first sophmore year..yes first..and was going to be my last..but this changed me..altered me..saw things from a whole new and different view....and why I'm at the brink of understanding...why most who have been in the same position can agree..this was the beginning of my insomnia.
Suicidal Fear
I lie alone in the darkness
while fluid slowly trinkles out my senses
Remembrance of the quantity that takes away my belief
knowing nothing of thought
or the wellbeing of careless acts.
(I start to feel them kicking in)
tossing and turning in agony
(What have I done?)
I didn;t want to face my fear of all fears ...
(So why I have I done it?)
Was it enough for the death..the chill to creep his way upon me?
Or will it just unleash me into this dreamless state
waking up
knowing nothing of what hidiously occurred the night before?
Twelve or maybe more was the evil number of the dreading dispair
I took them without future thought or what's to come next
frightened of what was done
I try saying my goodbyes and apoligies with no sound coming from my lips
no sensation or forced urge of movement in my limbs
Tempting to sleep off my last night of horrific dreams.
But I awoke
thinking I should be unbaredly releived,,but quite the oppisite
instead
I was depressed with the idea of starting something with determination
and not finishing it.
Death
my fear playing his own game of teasing fatality
Won by his satisfaction of my Suicidal Fear.
now I ask you this..
my question to so many young ladies..and confused lil boys..
why?! why would you brag about such a thing? why would you accept you've done this..and accept the second chance with nonmovement..non reaction? it's mind boggling! and so selfabsorbed with out looking deeper down the rabbit hole. I was young..and completely only in my own world..when I snapped back..I wasn't alone anymore..
do you understand this? I was connected...or it became visible like someone saying "you want proof? here's your proof!"
I was altered to an extreme proportion..to prepare..learn and prepare...
to learn with no fear and prepare with no fear.
Love thy Nieghbor
11/6/2008 at 1:31 PM
denial
- refusal to satisfy a request or desire
-a refusal to admit the truth or reality (as of a statement or charge)
- assertion that an allegation is false
- refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing : disavowal
-self-denial
-negation in logic
---- a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality----
— in denial : refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant
how do you pull someone away from denial?
whose treating loved ones with niavity?
when they are the one who are being aloof?
I'm glad the knowledge and inspiring questions I give
you can keep to yourself...just don't deny it's origin..
don't deny your inspiration..
for I will NEVER deny the inspiration you have given me.
if this blindness conquers your senses...
then don't mind when the string slowly threads.
don't replace me with denial..
just listen..as if it's the beginnings of 'us'..like it use to be..
I love you..truley and deeply..
but..
treating others and myself like niave children will delay your step forward in life..
this is why I have cutted so many ties...
sometimes denial controlls the confrontation...what use of words is there then?
when you have realized this..
I will let you have the key again.
Insight
10/29/2008 at 5:11 PM
Reading too much lately..but that's the great thing. I've come to a realization..that was probably already hidden deep inside with no expression of words born from it til now...of why I have left my supervising job..how I confronted truthfully and honest to my new occupation/demotion..the timing I work..and so much freetime for myself..the payment more than fulltime demand..yet..I didn't demand it..they gave me my rate all on thier own with no words of exchange..of what I was thinking..working only 2 days in a week..getting paid more than fulltime at the supervising position..why I keep rejecting showing my art in a gallery..or making an occupation out of it...I want people to feel and think when they see my work..no money in exchange...it's a gift..I'm much happier with the animals I take care of and the generous people I meet...working for Ashley and Drew and the dogs there is even more spiritaul than seeing my work hauled off to some unknown seller over seas or states not knowing if someone will cherish it as much as I have..and with my week to myself and life..has been a huge journey..defenately unfinished..I'm researching..learning...reading..experiencing all on my freewill..and I've realized I need to quit feeling guilty when others consider me the most cherished of thier friends..the ones who consider this..is defenately my most cherished..for if you are one out of a whole..doing a tremedence amount of good for others..you inspire and open new views to another person...it's a connection...and they in fact inspire me more than they even know..I don't show much..or tell a love..but I defenately try all my might to send...it's a giving and recieving, neverending but progressing..whats the word...love..gift...thoughtprogression...feeling..energy..idea..you get the idea..at such a young age..I don't feel so young..never have..I'm pathetic when intellect toward government life..I beat around the bush you can say..or living in goverment procedures..thier..society..'that' idea...hell I still don't have a drivers licence...and I'm 21 going on gurumaniacculturisticlovemaking 80 lol.
I need to check out classes for humanities...anthropromorphism or archaeoastronomy ...that would be fun..I'm oviously searching..and finding new things..listening is what has been one of my best qualities...and never regret being outspoken..I hate the idea of ever hearing myself speakover someone when trying to share an idea..I know I go through this alot..but I'm starting not to mind so much..if people feel open to me..my job is to listen..and listen very carefully..from there..that is what sometimes confuses me...why I pick only particular moments to speak what I'm thinking...and why I choose most of the time listening..I notice if I consentrate on only listening and the conversation ends and time's up...the person needs to head off somewhere for example..then it wasn't my time to speak or ever in that moment and someone freeflowing there thoughts toward me...was meant for me to listen. shit..I 'm running late for work..I will continue this..eventually..
Checkpoints of my youtube adventure
10/18/2008 at 12:19 AM
fritz is brilliant!
9/30/2008 at 5:33 AM
The Secret of Shambhala
9/15/2008 at 4:03 AM
after a night of ambien, a five minute dream that lasted a couple of hours of rushing through, what seemed like, tunnels of wood..and then waking up to a beautiful morning..I turned on my labtop and looked through my favorites list (bored of course) and came upon The secret of Shambhala uncompleted text (missing about 20 pges speratically)..then a glimpse of blur from the night rushed in my head..sleepy and feeling damn good on my sleep aid..I must have serached the net all night looking for more of a glimpse of this book...now..finished with a good bit of higher awareness and a sense that I'm not as nutty as I was scaring myself into believeing.... flooding through my veins like an overfilled cup of water...:)
a love..a love that I have of my own..with no material realm..
rediateing...
god I feel happy to have such a belief in that word..I have everyright,
I feel it as much as a dog senses fire...smells...fear and loneliness...
to this very moment...I alone will only care to this..know of this...I have few to share with..and too many full of ignorance and bullshit..
I'm sad for this..but..it's better to have no ego..than to be known of such ego...if it's ego I possess..it's my knowledge and comicbooks to blame :)
I'm a caretaker...
self taught..no schooling..or forced education from family nor the too many degrading schools I've been to...
I am and I know all on my own (with the benefits of everyday moments, conversations, and just shutting the fuck up and contently listening)
it's bullshit to have proof of your intellegence on paper to make it good in the world...I rather live hidden in the trees..and share what I know to people who WANT to listen...where I don't benifit the government..but benifit the greater good..
even though I might be under appreciated...
what makes me stronger is being able to appreciate.
This my friend is a lesson of repititional? reminder.
I shal read many more books of Redfield.
blahe..
my sleeping schedule sucks...I'm becoming delusional I fear..fast things at the corner of my eyes..haven't seen since a child suffering from a no man's wellnight rest..
goodnighty
my words are only words....my actions will be forever
9/7/2008 at 4:38 PM
"I had this dream in which I was screaming and crying. Loud enough for the gods to hear. My love was death, and death was my only love. I see through the looking glass. The mistakes I've made, that I've paid for. But no more. I have some business to attend to. I can feel the pain of others, like yourself. Although we rarely speak, why do I feel you so sad? I feel sad for you. Strange, this thing that is happening to me. The time has come my dearest. The time we've always spoke of. Pure hate flows in my veins. It keeps my heart beating. Keeps me alive.
And in this very moment, I miss you truely, and deeply.
But, please don't tell your boyfriend what I just said to you. I have no issue with him. In fact, I know nothing of him."
well..in all actuality...I am not sad..I am constantly confused...and lucky for 'me' I can not and will not respond to this.
awkwardness
8/26/2008 at 4:46 PM
a friend of mine acknowledged a good point about my disfunctional brain..
that every moment I noticed in a crowded room ..everyone else on their own minds..
the silence..
I'm the one realizing the situation...while everyone else is somewhere else..I'm still in reality noticing the state of realm in the room..
sad I am..an awkward person I am...
but I notice every one of these moments...
I think my awkwardness radiates to an extreme perportion..
then I show it in uncomfortable gestures...
then I run outside..away..
anywhere...
anxiety kicks in..and it's downhill from there..
fuck meds..
it's what makes me..me..
awkward...and antisocially capable of handling a room of people lost in their own transitional thoughts..
I am defenately a pathetic individual :)
Water
8/13/2008 at 2:19 AM
I've just watched one of the 2 most beautiful movies in my life...
set in India..it pertrays the life of a widow..in it's beautiful way of expressing these women's faith and their grief..in words..in beauty..in meaning...omg..
I'm choked up..bewithered and digusted, yet humble...
there's 2 other movies that go with it called "Earth" and "Fire".
I have a feeling watching "Water" is going to be my favorite one..my element..
never ignore the subtitles..it's poetic yet words with elightened enigma.
what made me tear up the most was the luddoos..orange pastries...
an old shriveled women forced to dress in white drapes..white short hairs pricklings from her scalp..
widow since seven of age...still recited the same story of her wedding with sweets and candies and loddoos(if I even spelt that right)
forced with the option to never eat sweets again and enjoy the simple desires and pleasures of the world or burn with her dead husband at his funeral...
a lil girl set beside her sleeping a loddoo and when she woke the joy in her eyes, her breath caught in her throat with amazement...happiness...the tears and the honeysweet laughter...
tearing up I am...
shit.
Happiness and thoughts of a child
8/10/2008 at 1:07 AM
I recently just read an article titled "The Genius Dip - What Causes the Steady Decline in Children’s Intelligence Between 4 - 20 years of age" written by Burt Goldman...skipping to what interested me--the mind-boggling discovery they made.
Up to the age of 4, almost all children were geniuses in multiple frames of intelligence. SOMETHING happens during upbringing that causes 98% of children to have these abilities ERASED from their mind.,,,lmfao!!
histaria I am in right now...so THAT'S why..on certain occasions that must not be named..I feel the happiness and safety and love of a 4 yr old yet know every answer to everything that needs to be answered!! genius!!!
coughs*bull*
A discription of playing music..in metemorphasis form (the kaylian thoery)
8/8/2008 at 6:49 PM
when I'm alone,
which is most of the time..
I put on music--
take out my little bongos and drum along to a steady uprising beat.
If I have a steady beat..
not only do the instruments in the speakers but even that slight moment in reality sudsides..
this ride of a flow..a feather along downstream river..
you don't realize the music has switched to another song yet the melodies and the realistic atmosphere of being here and some where out there becomes one..
that my friends is the simplist way to desribe my drumming expereinces.
Time stops..and it's just you left..just being..in a glimpse of a surreal paradise.
scribbled this down in my little black book while on a long road..always with a radiohead cd from the woodlands playing in the background and my fingers tapping..
theres other things in here..let's see..
ah here!
drunk :2:00 pm :on sunday at the park
--A woman & two children sit beside me on the concrete steps. Mother pregnant, a little girl, and brother.'Charlie's pulling on my foot. Egging for ducks most likely.
They're offly close.
I wonder if Annalee's geese are still here. She left them in the dark in a pond full of strangers.
ADD? noo...
I don't always write bullshit..I just tend to write what ever amuses me at that moment or write about my surroundings so I can later look upon and remember that exact feeling I had at that moment *shrugs* who the hell reads this?
Highlights in my sketchbook
5/3/2008 at 3:58 PM
My mother once told me I was a child who perfurred to play alone..she'd check on the kids outside and wouldn't see me with the group..and if she looked in my closet she'd find me doodling on the walls or talking to my first pet Lil'Bit (baby turtle). I would cut out lifesized kitties.. because my mother was allergic so I could never have a kitty unless it was hidden well in my closet or bed shelf (which would only last about 3 days until she would find it)..I'm not antisocial..I choose to be when I feel like it. My personality and mood feeds off my environment and surroundings...plants feed off of vibrations and music (mythbusters busted). I feel my lifestyle has the same effects of a tree..when a storm blows its beauiful flowers to the ground, I'm just as withered when my hopes are down. When the sun first rises and the birds and critters are chattering and chirping..I'm taking in all this morning beauty..looking forward to what the new day brings.
highlight in my mind- After engaging in a serious conversation with a friend..they started teasing me about how I never really have friends my age..which are true..and I giggled and replied with a " a mind is a mind, no matter what age it is, it is still magnificent.."..
I will never forget that..my grandmother had to have been behind my words..where ever she is..I will always remember what she has taught me..the ones who are trueist to themselves don't have just beautiful friends..but friends of beauty and distortment, of age or not of age, as long as you respect the mind and it's wonders..a trueheart will welcome you with open arms..
another highlight- "She scattered cigarette stubs behind her like flower pedals and walked away from nastiness, from gossip, but loved her friends so much she mimicked them endlessly, and you always felt pleased she was making fun of YOU. She had the worst taste in jokes, was the most puntastic person you'd ever meet, but had the unique talent to always make you laugh and wince simultaneously....."
an essay an old friend did for highschool..I still have a copy in a plastic band...and will cherish it always.
A Little somethingsomething
3/26/2008 at 2:38 AM
I love anything that walks the earth without a voice of rationality and ignorance of boastigity. wandering alone, finding beauty where others see simplicity, exploring new places , constantly thinking, examing and wondering,Createing things with my hands defines a selfbeing and meaning of who I am.
Nature and the road is my path to freewill.
Writing things and taking lines from each page-- combining them is my poetry. My joy in life is books, dada, anatomy, astronomy, plenty of wine, ikebana (art of japanese flower arrangement--shoka my favorite style) simplier joys are staring at lonely trees, grinning at dark comedy, simple strokes with flat paintbrushes, smells and shapes of handmade candles, biting into a fresh juicy plum,
staring into eyes and watching woodwork in the making, the orgasmic flow of indian ink, taking care of my plants, catching a moth and listening to it's wings in my ear, rusty calligraphy pens on off white paper, studying religions and cultures translated by different point of views, and love is what makes my world go round. 1 comment
Art: I paint when I can and when I'm totally invloved in a painting it takes me months to finish each one. Who knows how many layers or different images are underneith each canvas. Maybe I have a perfection fettish since I still count myself new to the whole acrylic paint..prying myself away from feathers, rusty callagraphy pens, ink, and my black and white comic doodles in the back of my mind. I know so many artists who can write essays about their art pieces...I'm defenately not one of those artists...I'm actually a lil selfish, shy, and jealous if someone could understand what comes out of my hand...I can't decribe them with words in a order making a complete sentence...thier jumbled and so many and changing constantly like a bipolar mood on too many hormone medications...I guess that's the best way I can explain it, but the tree of life..that defenately can explain itself in so many words without even explaining to someone sitting right next to me.
photography: I just recently bought a $400 9mp sony cam...before that I used any cameras I could get my hands on...so hopefully it will fulfill my deepist of needs.
blogging: ...I once had a deadjournal for years then it turned into a rant page. I hate reading things that were bad that makes me feel uneasy and revisiting bad moments in the past. I won't let someone else go through that. So I will most probably type something to the world when I'm drunk with passion or on many other things..it's funner and thoughtful..sometimes humouristic...
