awkwardness
8/26/2008 at 2:47 PM
a friend of mine acknowledged a good point about my disfunctional brain..
that every moment I noticed in a crowded room ..everyone else on their own minds..
the silence..
I'm the one realizing the situation...while everyone else is somewhere else..I'm still in reality noticing the state of realm in the room..
sad I am..an awkward person I am...
but I notice every one of these moments...
I think my awkwardness radiates to an extreme perportion..
then I show it in uncomfortable gestures...
then I run outside..away..
anywhere...
anxiety kicks in..and it's downhill from there..
fuck meds..
it's what makes me..me..
awkward...and antisocially capable of handling a room of people lost in their own transitional thoughts..
I am defenately a pathetic individual :)
that every moment I noticed in a crowded room ..everyone else on their own minds..
the silence..
I'm the one realizing the situation...while everyone else is somewhere else..I'm still in reality noticing the state of realm in the room..
sad I am..an awkward person I am...
but I notice every one of these moments...
I think my awkwardness radiates to an extreme perportion..
then I show it in uncomfortable gestures...
then I run outside..away..
anywhere...
anxiety kicks in..and it's downhill from there..
fuck meds..
it's what makes me..me..
awkward...and antisocially capable of handling a room of people lost in their own transitional thoughts..
I am defenately a pathetic individual :)
Water
8/13/2008 at 12:20 AM
I've just watched one of the 2 most beautiful movies in my life...
set in India..it pertrays the life of a widow..in it's beautiful way of expressing these women's faith and their grief..in words..in beauty..in meaning...omg..
I'm choked up..bewithered and digusted, yet humble...
there's 2 other movies that go with it called "Earth" and "Fire".
I have a feeling watching "Water" is going to be my favorite one..my element..
never ignore the subtitles..it's poetic yet words with elightened enigma.
what made me tear up the most was the luddoos..orange pastries...
an old shriveled women forced to dress in white drapes..white short hairs pricklings from her scalp..
widow since seven of age...still recited the same story of her wedding with sweets and candies and loddoos(if I even spelt that right)
forced with the option to never eat sweets again and enjoy the simple desires and pleasures of the world or burn with her dead husband at his funeral...
a lil girl set beside her sleeping a loddoo and when she woke the joy in her eyes, her breath caught in her throat with amazement...happiness...the tears and the honeysweet laughter...
tearing up I am...
shit.
set in India..it pertrays the life of a widow..in it's beautiful way of expressing these women's faith and their grief..in words..in beauty..in meaning...omg..
I'm choked up..bewithered and digusted, yet humble...
there's 2 other movies that go with it called "Earth" and "Fire".
I have a feeling watching "Water" is going to be my favorite one..my element..
never ignore the subtitles..it's poetic yet words with elightened enigma.
what made me tear up the most was the luddoos..orange pastries...
an old shriveled women forced to dress in white drapes..white short hairs pricklings from her scalp..
widow since seven of age...still recited the same story of her wedding with sweets and candies and loddoos(if I even spelt that right)
forced with the option to never eat sweets again and enjoy the simple desires and pleasures of the world or burn with her dead husband at his funeral...
a lil girl set beside her sleeping a loddoo and when she woke the joy in her eyes, her breath caught in her throat with amazement...happiness...the tears and the honeysweet laughter...
tearing up I am...
shit.
Happiness and thoughts of a child
8/9/2008 at 11:08 PM
I recently just read an article titled "The Genius Dip - What Causes the Steady Decline in Children’s Intelligence Between 4 - 20 years of age" written by Burt Goldman...skipping to what interested me--the mind-boggling discovery they made.
Up to the age of 4, almost all children were geniuses in multiple frames of intelligence. SOMETHING happens during upbringing that causes 98% of children to have these abilities ERASED from their mind.,,,lmfao!!
histaria I am in right now...so THAT'S why..on certain occasions that must not be named..I feel the happiness and safety and love of a 4 yr old yet know every answer to everything that needs to be answered!! genius!!!
coughs*bull*
Up to the age of 4, almost all children were geniuses in multiple frames of intelligence. SOMETHING happens during upbringing that causes 98% of children to have these abilities ERASED from their mind.,,,lmfao!!
histaria I am in right now...so THAT'S why..on certain occasions that must not be named..I feel the happiness and safety and love of a 4 yr old yet know every answer to everything that needs to be answered!! genius!!!
coughs*bull*
A discription of playing music..in metemorphasis form (the kaylian thoery)
8/8/2008 at 4:50 PM
when I'm alone,
which is most of the time..
I put on music--
take out my little bongos and drum along to a steady uprising beat.
If I have a steady beat..
not only do the instruments in the speakers but even that slight moment in reality sudsides..
this ride of a flow..a feather along downstream river..
you don't realize the music has switched to another song yet the melodies and the realistic atmosphere of being here and some where out there becomes one..
that my friends is the simplist way to desribe my drumming expereinces.
Time stops..and it's just you left..just being..in a glimpse of a surreal paradise.
scribbled this down in my little black book while on a long road..always with a radiohead cd from the woodlands playing in the background and my fingers tapping..
theres other things in here..let's see..
ah here!
drunk :2:00 pm :on sunday at the park
--A woman & two children sit beside me on the concrete steps. Mother pregnant, a little girl, and brother.'Charlie's pulling on my foot. Egging for ducks most likely.
They're offly close.
I wonder if Annalee's geese are still here. She left them in the dark in a pond full of strangers.
ADD? noo...
I don't always write bullshit..I just tend to write what ever amuses me at that moment or write about my surroundings so I can later look upon and remember that exact feeling I had at that moment *shrugs* who the hell reads this?
which is most of the time..
I put on music--
take out my little bongos and drum along to a steady uprising beat.
If I have a steady beat..
not only do the instruments in the speakers but even that slight moment in reality sudsides..
this ride of a flow..a feather along downstream river..
you don't realize the music has switched to another song yet the melodies and the realistic atmosphere of being here and some where out there becomes one..
that my friends is the simplist way to desribe my drumming expereinces.
Time stops..and it's just you left..just being..in a glimpse of a surreal paradise.
scribbled this down in my little black book while on a long road..always with a radiohead cd from the woodlands playing in the background and my fingers tapping..
theres other things in here..let's see..
ah here!
drunk :2:00 pm :on sunday at the park
--A woman & two children sit beside me on the concrete steps. Mother pregnant, a little girl, and brother.'Charlie's pulling on my foot. Egging for ducks most likely.
They're offly close.
I wonder if Annalee's geese are still here. She left them in the dark in a pond full of strangers.
ADD? noo...
I don't always write bullshit..I just tend to write what ever amuses me at that moment or write about my surroundings so I can later look upon and remember that exact feeling I had at that moment *shrugs* who the hell reads this?
Highlights in my sketchbook
5/3/2008 at 1:59 PM
My mother once told me I was a child who perfurred to play alone..she'd check on the kids outside and wouldn't see me with the group..and if she looked in my closet she'd find me doodling on the walls or talking to my first pet Lil'Bit (baby turtle). I would cut out lifesized kitties.. because my mother was allergic so I could never have a kitty unless it was hidden well in my closet or bed shelf (which would only last about 3 days until she would find it)..I'm not antisocial..I choose to be when I feel like it. My personality and mood feeds off my environment and surroundings...plants feed off of vibrations and music (mythbusters busted). I feel my lifestyle has the same effects of a tree..when a storm blows its beauiful flowers to the ground, I'm just as withered when my hopes are down. When the sun first rises and the birds and critters are chattering and chirping..I'm taking in all this morning beauty..looking forward to what the new day brings.
highlight in my mind- After engaging in a serious conversation with a friend..they started teasing me about how I never really have friends my age..which are true..and I giggled and replied with a " a mind is a mind, no matter what age it is, it is still magnificent.."..
I will never forget that..my grandmother had to have been behind my words..where ever she is..I will always remember what she has taught me..the ones who are trueist to themselves don't have just beautiful friends..but friends of beauty and distortment, of age or not of age, as long as you respect the mind and it's wonders..a trueheart will welcome you with open arms..
another highlight- "She scattered cigarette stubs behind her like flower pedals and walked away from nastiness, from gossip, but loved her friends so much she mimicked them endlessly, and you always felt pleased she was making fun of YOU. She had the worst taste in jokes, was the most puntastic person you'd ever meet, but had the unique talent to always make you laugh and wince simultaneously....."
an essay an old friend did for highschool..I still have a copy in a plastic band...and will cherish it always.
highlight in my mind- After engaging in a serious conversation with a friend..they started teasing me about how I never really have friends my age..which are true..and I giggled and replied with a " a mind is a mind, no matter what age it is, it is still magnificent.."..
I will never forget that..my grandmother had to have been behind my words..where ever she is..I will always remember what she has taught me..the ones who are trueist to themselves don't have just beautiful friends..but friends of beauty and distortment, of age or not of age, as long as you respect the mind and it's wonders..a trueheart will welcome you with open arms..
another highlight- "She scattered cigarette stubs behind her like flower pedals and walked away from nastiness, from gossip, but loved her friends so much she mimicked them endlessly, and you always felt pleased she was making fun of YOU. She had the worst taste in jokes, was the most puntastic person you'd ever meet, but had the unique talent to always make you laugh and wince simultaneously....."
an essay an old friend did for highschool..I still have a copy in a plastic band...and will cherish it always.
A Little somethingsomething
3/26/2008 at 12:39 AM
Art: I paint when I can and when I'm totally invloved in a painting it takes me months to finish each one. Who knows how many layers or different images are underneith each canvas. Maybe I have a perfection fettish since I still count myself new to the whole acrylic paint..prying myself away from feathers, rusty callagraphy pens, ink, and my black and white comic doodles in the back of my mind. I know so many artists who can write essays about their art pieces...I'm defenately not one of those artists...I'm actually a lil selfish, shy, and jealous if someone could understand what comes out of my hand...I can't decribe them with words in a order making a complete sentence...thier jumbled and so many and changing constantly like a bipolar mood on too many hormone medications...I guess that's the best way I can explain it, but the tree of life..that defenately can explain itself in so many words without even explaining to someone sitting right next to me.
photography: I just recently bought a $400 9mp sony cam...before that I used any cameras I could get my hands on...so hopefully it will fulfill my deepist of needs.
blogging: you won't see me doing this often...I once had a deadjournal for years then it turned into a rant page. I hate reading things that were bad that makes me feel uneasy and revisiting bad moments in the past. I won't let someone else go through that. So I will most probably type something to the world when I'm drunk or on many other things..it's funner and usually humouristic.
photography: I just recently bought a $400 9mp sony cam...before that I used any cameras I could get my hands on...so hopefully it will fulfill my deepist of needs.
blogging: you won't see me doing this often...I once had a deadjournal for years then it turned into a rant page. I hate reading things that were bad that makes me feel uneasy and revisiting bad moments in the past. I won't let someone else go through that. So I will most probably type something to the world when I'm drunk or on many other things..it's funner and usually humouristic.
